A Walk Down With Friends

Throughout the nineteen tender years of my life, I have came into acquaintance with many persons and even, by chance, made several good friends who have shaped me into who I am today. Just as how Judith Viorst in her article, “Friends, Good Fiends and Such Good Friends” said, each of my friends has different level of intimacy with me. However, as much as I want them to be, not all of them could be my pretty good friends and very good friends. In retrospect, this is probably due to my weaknesses in communicating with people from different backgrounds similar to those mentioned in the article, “Intercultural Communication Stumbling Blocks,” by LaRay M. Barna.  Besides, the problem might also lie with me. Having a desire to achieve ambitions so strong, I became oblivious of sustaining my tender friendships. In short, it is a tug of war between ambition and relationships, as seen in the fifth paragraph of “The Virtues of Ambition” by Joseph Epstein.

At first glance, classifying friends just seemed like weighing, labeling and putting them on shelves. However, after reading Judith Viorst’s insightful categorization and description on friends, I realize that doing so might actually show me an otherwise unseen picture of my social circle. Personally, I quite agree with Judith’s grouping of friends. I found out that if we arrange these categories in terms of intimacy, we would observe a pyramidal pattern. The number decreases following up the intimacy hierarchy. Among all these categories, historical friends catch my eyes the most. The awkwardly put term “historical” shows ironically just how ephemeral friendships are. Once heated relationship soon fades into nothing more than what remains on photo albums.

If so I were to say whether there is any regret in my not worthy nineteen years, it would be that I could never revive the once intense relationship with my best friend in high school. Together, we went for volleyball training. Together, we dreamed about setting a new restaurant beside our school. Together, we “maximized” our power as student leaders to hang out during classes. Sadly, graduation added a dramatic ending note to our friendship. We have gone separate ways since then. “Together, together and together” had then changed into “When to gather? When to gather? When to gather?” It was not until that we bumped into each other this year that I realized that the feeling will never be the same anymore. Thousands of words swelled up my throat but I never uttered them out as I thought that it was no longer relevant. With this, I differ with Judith’s viewpoint as in “And who, by her presence, puts us in touch with an earlier part of [ourself], a part of [ourself] [it’s] important never to lose.” Friendship can never survive in the past. Once lost, it could never be regained anymore.

Another classification system used by Judith Viorst, medium friends-pretty good friends-very good friends too brought to me another facet of my friendships. However much I want to do so, I could never find very good friends whom I could pour my hearts to. Through introspection, this is probably because that I failed to overcome the intercultural communication barriers as described in “Intercultural Communication Stumbling Blocks” by LaRay M. Barna. I would like to reiterate that for me, “intercultural” here carries a broader sense. It includes interacting with peoples from different religions and family backgrounds and peoples of dissimilar values and thoughts.

I could not agree more with what as LaRay claims in her article, “We always have a fear somewhere…that there are much more chances of breakdown in intercultural communication than in communication with our fellow countrymen.” I am never sure whether to step forward or stay in status quo in a relationship. I felt threatened, as how LaRay put it, by the unknown other’s knowledge, experience and evaluation. For example, the border lines between different levels of intimacy are always as blurry as mud water. Different culture seems to have its distinct way of determining this, at least from my experience so far. Back in my high school, I was quite close with an attractive Malay girl. We basically shared everything including most updated gossips and our secrets. I even praised her using poems. She never showed any reluctance to it. It was not until that she embarked on her love journey with another friend then I realize that I had been misinterpreting her friendliness as love cues. In short, it is my incapability to interpret signs from peoples of different culture and to convey messages to others that make me hesitant in making moves in friendship.

Another possible reason that causes me not to have more close friends is perhaps my desire to achieve ambition so strong that I often forget to spend time being together with friends. Friendship is like delicate March roses which need cares and efforts. Too engrossed in the road to hit my goals, I regretfully lost sight of peoples around me. “The person strongly imbued with ambition ignores collectivity; socially detached…Individuality and ambitions are firmly linked,” as how Joseph Epstein described in “The Virtues of Ambition,” shows exactly how my scenario has been.

I have always aspired to better myself in virtually all aspects I could think of such as intellectual growth, financial stability and physical wellbeing. Eager to attain these aims, I sacrificed all my free time for learning, working and thinking. At the end of the day, I realized that I actually spent not much time with friends. I did not come to care about how they felt when I kept refusing to go out with them. I should have known that it hurts. This blinded engrossment with personal goals has widened the distance between my friends and me. The effect goes on even until now.

I am glad to read the three abovementioned articles as they provide me with a whole new insight on my interpersonal relationships so far. If I did not read “Friends, Good Friends and Such Good Friends,” I would never know what classification of friends could bring to me. If I did not come across “Intercultural Communication Stumbling Blocks,” I would never know the importance of an investigative, nonjudgmental attitude and high tolerance of ambiguity in intercultural interaction. If I did not stumble upon “The Virtues of Ambition,” I would never have otherwise related my excesses in pursuing dreams to my lackluster interpersonal relationships. 

                                                                                                                                                                  

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